Act 1, Scene 2: Chicken Wings


%SND% Phone Rings

%SND% Pick up Phone

Professor Malinowski: “Faculty of Anthropomorphology, Professor Malinowski?”

Lori (phone): “Loreena McFolkmanis, Hello Mr. Malinoswki!”

Professor Malinoswki: “Oh, hello Lori. What can I do for you?”

Lori (phone): “Uhm, I'm calling because I wanted to know if you've already had the time to read my latest draft!”

Professor Malinoswki: “Oh yes, I've just finished it.”

Lori (phone): “And? What do you think?”

Professor Malinoswki: “Well, It certainly shows some promise.”

Lori (phone): “It shows promise? Nothing more?”

Professor Malinoswki: “Lori, please don't get me wrong, but I have to be honest … I really enjoyed reading your wonderful collection of stories, but I'm afraid this will take a lot more work until I can approve it.”

Lori (phone): “But it's the most complete collection of stories about the ogwambi lions that was ever compiled!”

Professor: “Yes, but I'm afraid, it's just a little bit too superficial for my taste.”

Lori (phone): “Superficial? Excuse me, Sir, I spend more than two years finding all this material, dating it, translating it … everything! I dare you to find anything that's missing!”

Professor: “Original Research, Lori. That's what missing. Original Research”

Lori (phone): “Did you actually READ my work? It's not just a storybook, it's the reconstruction of an entire lion tribe's history!

Professor Malinowski: “Lori, all of your sources are at least a hundred years old, and they're all just secondary sources, with almost nothing to back them up. That's not exactly overwhelming, keeping in mind the ogwambi lions actually still might exist. You really should have chosen one of the topics I suggested to you, instead. How about you come to my office tomorrow, and we'll discuss some alternatives …”

Lori (phone): “And throw all my work away? Never!”

Professor Malinowski: “Lori, sometimes you have to accept that …”

Lori (phone): “You want original research? Okay! Give me the funding, and I'll go there and get your original research!”

Professor Malinowski: ”(*chuckles*) Lori, there's no way I'm going to let you go there alone …”

Lori (phone): “Don't worry about me, I've got friends who like to travel.”

Professor Malinowski: “I'm sorry Lori, but the faculty doesn't offer funding for “friends”. ”

Lori (phone): “All right, then keep your goddamn funding, if you want to. That's not going to stop me. I'll find a way to get there on the cheap!”

Professor Malinowski: “Don't underestimate this adventure. They are wild lions, Lori. Real wild lions!”

Lori (phone): So what? I know all there is to know about them! Adventure you say? Hah! Believe me, I can handle adventure. Good Night, Mr. Malinoswki.”


Professor Malinowski (stunned): “Wow.”


%HND% Curtain - open

%AMB% 02 - Business Class

%SND% 0201 - Airplaine Flyby

%LIG% Righthalf of Stage, Light's on.r

%SND% 0202 - (Cheetah) Announcement: “Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard Chicken Wings Flight 884 from Kansas City to Ogwambi, Africa. My Name is Colonel Sanders, and I'll be your captain for this flight. We have now reached our final cruising altitude of 35,000 feet, and I will now turn off the Fasten Seat Belt sign. However we always recommend to keep your seat belt fastened while you're seated. You may now turn on your electronic devices such as mp3 players and laptops. In a few moments, the flight attendants will be passing around the cabin to offer you hot or cold drinks, as well as a light meal. Enjoy your flight.”

Mika: “Wow! I'm impressed! After all the bad reviews, I wasn't exactly looking forward to flying with a low-budget airline like Chicken Wings, but this is really nice!”

Lionel: “I told you, Mika … once you've been upgraded to business class, you'll never want to fly coach again!”

%ACT% Mika stretches.

%ACT% A chicken flight attendant appears.

Flight Attendant: “Bork bork boooork?”

Mika: “Yes, Champagne will be fine.”

Flight Attendant: “Boooork Booork!”

%ACT% The Flight Attendant pours Mika a glass of champagne and leaves.

%SND% 0203 - Pour Champagne

Mika: “Ah, this is the life … Lionel, I don't want to know how you were able to afford this, but it's just wonderful!”

Lionel: “It was easy. We've been flying around so much lately, we're now officially members of the Miles and Roar Honorary Royal Extra Gold Club Executive Programme! And since I'm kinda dragging you along with me on this trip, the least I could do for you was making it as comfortable as possible.”

Mika: “I know you're doing this for Lori, and she's absolutely right … I wouldn't go studying a native pride of wild lions all alone either. But don't worry. It doesn't feel like getting dragged along at all. You know how much I love travelling with you, especially if it means getting spoiled rotten like this!”

%SND% 0204 - Massage

%ACT% Lionel starts moaning while Mika is talking.

Mika: “And who knows? Maybe we'll meet some of your distant relatives! And … Lionel? Lionel! What's the matter with you?”

Lionel (moaning): “This chair has a built-in massage function! Oh … my … God!

Mika (pronounced): “Turn! That! Thing! Off!”

%SND% 0204 STOP

Lionel (all swoony): “Oh my God … I feel … so … relaxed …”

%ACT% Lionel keels over

%SND% 0205 - Fall

%ACT% Flight Attendant comes in, and looks down at Lionel.

Flight Attendant: “Booork, booork booorrk?”

Lionel (off, still swoony): “No, thank you, I don't want my mane ruffled.”

%ACT% Poke bursts in

%SND% 0206 - Alarm

Poke: “Red alert! Red alert!”

%ACT% Lionel and Mika scream in panic!

%ACT% Flight Attendant panics and flutters away!

Poke: “All hands on deck! Fire in the hole! Iceberg ahead! Houston, we have a problem!”

Mika: “Poke! What the hell is wrong with you?”

Lionel (off): “Yeah, you'd better have a very good excuse for walking all over me like that!”

Poke: “Oh, sorry!”

%ACT% Poke steps aside

%ACT% Lionel appears, shaking his mane.

Lionel: “All right. Now what exactly is the problem?”

Poke: “Someone let the fox into the henhouse!”

Lionel: “What?”

Mika: “Oh No! Lori!”

%MUS% 0207 - Funny Drama
%AMB% AMB 03 Economy Class

%HND% The curtain that covers economy class gets moved over to [1], so that economy class can be seen, and business class gets covered up - making mika, lionel and poke disappear. (13 seconds Music to give stagehands time to move curtain)

%LIG% Leftside of stage, Light's on.

%ATT% You see: Tourist Class. A flock of frightened chicken is piled up in the rear end of the plane, fluttering and gawking loudly. Behind them, the restrooms. Lori is standing before the pile of chicken.

Lori: “Don't be afraid little chickies! The little vixen just wants to use the bathroom, that's all!”

%ACT% Chickens flutter

%SND% 0208 - (Group) Chickens gawking (panik stage 1)

Lori: “Nooononono! Don't worry! I'm not going to eat anyone! I'm a scientist!”

%ACT% Chickens flutter

%SND% 0209 - (Group) Chickens gawking (panik stage 2)

Lori (annoyed): “No! HHHRRN! You stupid chickens are getting it all wrong!”

%ACT% Lori sighs.

Lori: “Oh my God. How am I going to survive an expedition among wild lions, if I can't even get past a flock of stupid chickens! Okay, Lori. Act self-confident.”

%ACT% Chickens flutter and gawk again.

Lori (clears her throat): “Okay! Listen! I am now going to the bathroom, whether you want it or not! Step one!”

%ACT% Lori makes a step towards the chickens.

%SND% 0210 (Group) Chickens gawking (protest stage 1)

Lori: “Step twooooo …”

%ACT% Lori makes another step towards the chickens.

%SND% 0211 - (Group) Chickens gawking (protest stage 2)

%ACT% The chickens protest even more!

Lori: “Step threeee …”

%SND% 0212 - (Group) Chickens gawking (attack)

%ACT% The chickens attack Lori.

%ACT% Lori screams and retreats.

%ACT% The chickens flutter back to their place.

%SND% 0212 STOP
%SND% 0213 - (Group) Chickens gawking (retreat)

Lori (super annoyed): “Alright! About now I’m desperate enough to just pee in a paper cup! But I don't have one and you’re all looking so alike, I can’t even tell who of you is the goddamn flight attendant! If you think I’m a dangerous predator, you’d better not let me go into business class and get my friends, because they are a lot more dangerous than I am! So, are you letting me through now?”

%ACT% The chickens begin to un-pile and relax, making the way free for Lori.

%SND% 0214 - (Group) Chickens gawking (discussion)

Lori (draws a deep breath): “Ahhh! Finally some common sense! We're all civilized animals, after all.”

%ACT% Lionel enters tourist class.

Lionel: “What the hell is going on in here?”

%ACT% The chickens stare at the Lion.

%SND% 0215 - (Group) Chickens: “BA-GOOOOOK?”

Lionel: “Oh shit.”

%MUS% 0216 - Ending

%HND% Curtain - close